Celebrity Z Factor

Elizabeth Simpson 

Pantomime season has started early this year.  Celebrity X Factor has tapped into the popular Christmas tradition.  The talent-less show is more than cheap entertainment in the guise of giving wannabe celebs the break of their life-time; it's more a last chance karaoke saloon for fading soap stars and a notorious love rat.

Cinders, model Michelle Marsh, was banished in tears while the Ugly Singers, James Hewitt and Rebecca Loos, returned to the ball. But the boos and hisses weren't aimed at Mr Nasty, judge Simon Cowell.  This year the contestants were up for pillory – as if public  ridicule wasn’t enough. 

Couch potatoes throughout Britain have been perched precariously watching contestants who have the musical ability of zero but an entertainment value that raises the roof.  Kiss-and-tell cad James Hewitt, the former lover of the ill-fated Princess of Wales,  joined forces with David Beckham’s 'Loos' floozy, Rebecca. Neither could sing but both have been known do whatever is necessary to please people in high places.

Now, in the name of 'charity', they entertained the masses.  And against the odds, with a little help from resident Fairy Godmother, Sharon Osbourne, these vocal villains were for a while voted back onto the show. 

We knew we were in for a good time when Sharon’s tip to Loos, the Mediterranean married man’s messer (aka David Beckham's former mistress), was to wear knickers. Mrs Osbourne was hit well below the belt.  It was after the Nine O’clock watershed, when adult Tv can begin, and if Loos and Hewitt were the type to blush, Sharon wasn’t sparing them. The audience loved it. The tone-deaf lotharios returned for another roasting on Wednesday night. Now, mercifully, they have been voted out of the competition.

Back at Beckinghham Palace, it’s a quiet time. That interlude between their  high profile Full Length and Fabulous charity bash and the World Cup.  But if the football royal couple witnessed this pseudo 19th century spectacle of  Celebrity X Factor, 'Golden Balls' Beckham probably received a few hisses himself.  It’s unlikely our glorious England football captain was let off the hook for his  much-publicised extra-marital misdemeanours by his very own Wicked Witch of the West – World Cup or not. Painfully, reminded, as the Beckhams  were, by Loos's ill-fated appearance on a mass audience  Tv show.