The Da Vinci Code

Last night I went to see The Da Vinci Code in the hope that I could then pretend I'd read it in an effort to stop people trying to explain it to me when I say I haven't. I want two and half hours of my life back.

Ian McKellen should be exiled for his services to propagating ridiculous British stereotypes. Like the professional she is, Audrey Tautou, who I fell deeply in love with in Amelie and a Very Long Engagement, immerses herself so deeply in the film's ethos of artificiality that she actually sounds like an American putting on a French accent. There was probably only one way to make Tom Hanks performances any more smarmy and conceited, and that was to get him playing a yuppie intellectual populist with terrible hair. And they managed it.

I've got to say I feel a bit bad for Catholics too. Hell, I don't believe in any of that stuff and whatever my views on the Catholic Church and the power of the Vatican, this film reduces the beliefs of millions if not billions of people to the folly of a few politically callous medieval stereotypes. And I can't help thinking there's some incongruity in the fact that people seem to take Dan Brown's narrow-minded pick 'n' mix collection of theological headlines as absolute truth a bit like, well, Christians (sorry).

I feel a bit bad for albinos too. Catholic albinos must be livid.

That bloke from Leon was pretty good in it. And it makes you jump right out your seat a few times, but as a pleasant a change as this is at the cinema, I'm not sure it really requires much film-making skill. Nothing's happening...Relax...Theyre having a boring conversation...Nothing's happening...Might as well switch off for a second...Nothing's...OH MY GAAAAAAD HE JUST HIT HER IN THE FACE...THERE'S blood...theres...panic...theres...nothing happening again...still nothing...." ad infinatum. Or so it seemed.

Go see X-men Three instead, a trilogy which mocks the divisiveness of mass belief systems much more effectively than this quickly forgotten rubbish. Up-too-late B-movie on some obscure satellite channel, maybe. Intriguing thriller, youre having a laugh. I had more excitement at the automatic ticket collection machine.